A Qualitative Research on Cows

Dedication: Each year, thousands of cows are slaughtered in our country. Hundreds of others join the cadre service. I dedicate my research to both.

Cows are domestic animals. They have two legs, two hands, two eyes, and if they have a tail it’s very well hidden. They don’t have brains. Cows are abundantly obtained in the fertile regions of South East Asia. There are various kinds of cows. There are white cows with black spots. There are black cows with white spots. And then there are the bureaucrats.

In the course of this qualitative research we will identify the two most prominent breeds of cows, and carry out an in-depth qualitative comparison between the two groups with the aid of various statistical tools. Due to a short time frame, convenient sampling is used to choose the two aforementioned breeds, and the research is limited to urban pastures only.

We will start the analysis with Intellectual Cows. Although the term Intellectual Cow is an oxymoron, in real life these intellectual cows are plain morons. These cows can be found in posh, green pastures. They usually create a lot of fuss and make an awful lot of noise for making one simple statement (which, in most cases, is plain Moo). These cows are socially active. They quote Marx in high profile bistros where appetizers start at a price that can feed a less fortunate species (i.e. human) for an entire month. They join and often start social clubs with fancy little names such as Development Of Positive Empowerment (DOPE) and Working for a Unified Social System (WUSS). The aspiring DOPE-s and the WUSS travel in their posh little cars, hold social awareness meetings, and believe that they can identify with the street kids just because they watched Slumdog Millionaire. If they do manage to toss a couple of rusty coins at some hapless street kid, they celebrate their success over flamed grilled-chicken and steaks at Nandos.

It’s a common knowledge that cows eat grass. Our next category of cows not only eats grass, but also smokes it. They constantly suffer from the illusion that the grass is always greener on the other side. As a result, they go through perpetual bouts of melancholia, which they try to overcome by smoking grass, weeds and various other forms of organic vegetations (here, I am not referring to Mr. Bush). Grass invokes rather weird behaviors among these cows. Under the influence of the same grass one cow may quiet down and embark upon philosophical musings, while another cow may turn ballistic, talk gibberish and start acting like a complete idiot (here, I am referring to Mr. Bush). Grass-smoking cows can be found all over South East Asia. They originate from both the green pastures and the not so green ones.

Having analyzed the two breeds of cows, the research would now proceed to carry out an in-depth qualitative comparison between intellectual cows and grass-smoking cows. To facilitate the comparison a nominal group discussion was carried out, which involved ten experts from the related field, i.e. cowboys and other professionals involved in a korbanir haat. The event was held in an open field adjacent to the Daily Star office, and was officiated by a moderator who ensured that the outcome was not biased.

At the end of the event the experts represented their views in the form of a perceptual mapping. According to the experts intellectual cows are far more bovine than the grass-smoking cows. Pseudo-intellectuals scoff at others for dawdling around and not contributing enough with their lives. Yet, with their incoherent mumbo-jumbos this particular breed of cows pose a greater threat to the society than the rest of the bovine-kind combined. Grass-smoking cows have a higher IQ and even higher civic sense than the intellectual cows. In fact, the experts concluded that any random cow chosen from a gorur haat is smarter than an average pseudo-intellectual.

To suffice, cows are best suited for pastures. Numerous social, economical and political problems arise when these very cows try to take over your home, your office, and your overall community. Thus, its best to spot and maintain a safe distance from these cows, unless of course you are in the dinner table.

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