If the Apple never fell

All of you might remember Sir Isaac Newton as the guy who single handedly ruined seventh-grade science. What you might not know is that he also loved apples. In fact, Mr. Newton was sitting under an apple tree when the aforementioned fruit fell on his head and he discovered gravity. If he were sitting under a coconut tree, school would have been more fun.

Jokes aside, Sir Isaac Newton is respected all over the world as the first man to discover that if you drop something it falls towards the direction of the ground. Before his time, people refrained from dropping things for the fear of hurting their heads. Mr. Newton’s theory, however, proved their fear wrong and led to a series of amazing discoveries that changed the world forever. The value of life improved as people became more knowledgeable about their surroundings. Before, for example, if a crow used you for practicing targets you would simply curse and walk away. Thanks to Mr. Newton, now if a crow uses you for practicing targets you would know that it’s all happening due to the force of gravity. The end result, however, would just be the same.

Mr. Newton also came up with three laws of motion, and was so happy that he named them after himself. Much to the ignorance of the protagonist himself, Newton’s three laws of motion have certain sociological significance from Bangladeshi perspective. Newton’s first law of motion, for example, states that a politician who keeps blabbering will keep on blabbering unless acted upon by external forces. The forces just mentioned include (but may not be limited to) scotch-tape, duct-tape and other known form of adhesives including molten lead. Much to the surprise of the known science world, imprisonment fails to be a force strong enough to keep the politicians from talking. The aforementioned fact was established after conducting a case study in Bangladesh. The case study showed that the politicians in Bangladesh loved to talk. They also loved to scream, shout and howl, and produce numerous other guttural sounds often beyond the range of audible-wavelength. It was anticipated that after arresting the politicians on grounds of petty crimes such as theft, vandalism and mass-murder, they would stop talking. Instead, they started talking even more within the jail-premises, thereby jeopardizing sanity and eardrums of the people nearby. Last heard, Bangladesh is about to turn into the largest importer of scotch-tapes.

Newton’s second law of motion states that the bribe received by a bureaucrat is directly proportional to the girth of his potbelly. It is rumored that an average Bangladeshi bureaucrat would want to receive bribes for every activity possible, including signing papers, reading proposals and  breathing. Following the anti-corruption drives taken by the current Bangladeshi Government bureaucrats apparently have stopped taking bribes. However, it is rumored, that they have also stopped signing papers and reading proposals, stacking-up the files for good times when they can start receiving bribes again. The girth of their potbelly remains the same.

This brings us to the last law of motion. Newton’s Third Law of motion talks about the cultural sector of Bangladesh. The law states that if an average sized elephant and the popular actress Moushumi are rushing towards each other on a slippery surface at an average velocity of 50 km/hr, after the collusion Moushumi would slide on the other direction at 50 km/hr. The elephant on the other hand would be dead.

The law however only exists in theory because scientists believe that it’s not particularly prudent to get Moushumi on a slippery surface. If she slips and falls she would not only give rise to a series of earthquakes all over the world, but anyone she falls on top off would instantly be turned into humus. When asked if she can actually turn a man into humus Moushumi replied, “No comments.”

In conclusion it’s only logical to admit that Sir Isaac Newton was a great man and a visionary. From falling apples to mischievous crows, he has made discoveries without which the world wouldn’t be the same. His theories have given our politicians hope and taught our bureaucrats to hold on. Above all, Sir Isaac Newton has taught us the ultimate truth about life – If Moushumi falls on you, you will die.

link: http://www.thedailystar.net/rising/2008/05/04/index.htm

A Qualitative Research on Cows

Dedication: Each year, thousands of cows are slaughtered in our country. Hundreds of others join the cadre service. I dedicate my research to both.

Cows are domestic animals. They have two legs, two hands, two eyes, and if they have a tail it’s very well hidden. They don’t have brains. Cows are abundantly obtained in the fertile regions of South East Asia. There are various kinds of cows. There are white cows with black spots. There are black cows with white spots. And then there are the bureaucrats.

In the course of this qualitative research we will identify the two most prominent breeds of cows, and carry out an in-depth qualitative comparison between the two groups with the aid of various statistical tools. Due to a short time frame, convenient sampling is used to choose the two aforementioned breeds, and the research is limited to urban pastures only.

We will start the analysis with Intellectual Cows. Although the term Intellectual Cow is an oxymoron, in real life these intellectual cows are plain morons. These cows can be found in posh, green pastures. They usually create a lot of fuss and make an awful lot of noise for making one simple statement (which, in most cases, is plain Moo). These cows are socially active. They quote Marx in high profile bistros where appetizers start at a price that can feed a less fortunate species (i.e. human) for an entire month. They join and often start social clubs with fancy little names such as Development Of Positive Empowerment (DOPE) and Working for a Unified Social System (WUSS). The aspiring DOPE-s and the WUSS travel in their posh little cars, hold social awareness meetings, and believe that they can identify with the street kids just because they watched Slumdog Millionaire. If they do manage to toss a couple of rusty coins at some hapless street kid, they celebrate their success over flamed grilled-chicken and steaks at Nandos.

It’s a common knowledge that cows eat grass. Our next category of cows not only eats grass, but also smokes it. They constantly suffer from the illusion that the grass is always greener on the other side. As a result, they go through perpetual bouts of melancholia, which they try to overcome by smoking grass, weeds and various other forms of organic vegetations (here, I am not referring to Mr. Bush). Grass invokes rather weird behaviors among these cows. Under the influence of the same grass one cow may quiet down and embark upon philosophical musings, while another cow may turn ballistic, talk gibberish and start acting like a complete idiot (here, I am referring to Mr. Bush). Grass-smoking cows can be found all over South East Asia. They originate from both the green pastures and the not so green ones.

Having analyzed the two breeds of cows, the research would now proceed to carry out an in-depth qualitative comparison between intellectual cows and grass-smoking cows. To facilitate the comparison a nominal group discussion was carried out, which involved ten experts from the related field, i.e. cowboys and other professionals involved in a korbanir haat. The event was held in an open field adjacent to the Daily Star office, and was officiated by a moderator who ensured that the outcome was not biased.

At the end of the event the experts represented their views in the form of a perceptual mapping. According to the experts intellectual cows are far more bovine than the grass-smoking cows. Pseudo-intellectuals scoff at others for dawdling around and not contributing enough with their lives. Yet, with their incoherent mumbo-jumbos this particular breed of cows pose a greater threat to the society than the rest of the bovine-kind combined. Grass-smoking cows have a higher IQ and even higher civic sense than the intellectual cows. In fact, the experts concluded that any random cow chosen from a gorur haat is smarter than an average pseudo-intellectual.

To suffice, cows are best suited for pastures. Numerous social, economical and political problems arise when these very cows try to take over your home, your office, and your overall community. Thus, its best to spot and maintain a safe distance from these cows, unless of course you are in the dinner table.